8 Phrases To Help Your Relationship Thrive

Last Updated on September 25, 2025 by Rachel Hall

8 Phrases to Help Your Relationship Thrive (Inspired by the New York Times Guide to Phrases to Help Your Relationship)

Every couple has moments of tension, but what separates thriving partnerships from struggling ones is not whether disagreements happen, but how they are handled. The words you choose in heated moments can either escalate conflict or bring you back towards connection.

Psychologists call these statements “repair attempts” – small actions or phrases that interrupt negativity and restore goodwill. Research by Dr John and Dr Julie Gottman, two of the most influential marital scholars, shows that repair attempts are one of the strongest predictors of long-term success in relationships.

In this guide, we will explore 8 therapist-approved phrases to help your relationship thrive. Each one is practical, easy to remember, and powerful enough to shift the dynamic during conflict.

Why Relationship Communication Phrases Matter More Than You Think

It is tempting to believe that big gestures, romantic holidays, or dramatic apologies are what sustain a strong relationship. In reality, everyday communication – the small choices of words – makes the difference.

When you know what to say in an argument, you allow your partner to feel seen and valued, even when you disagree. According to research from the Gottman Institute, couples who respond to one another’s repair attempts are far more likely to remain together and report higher levels of satisfaction.

Effective relationship communication phrases do several things at once:

• They de-escalate anger before it spirals.
• They help your partner understand that you still care.
• They show signs of goodwill, even in tense situations.
• They gently redirect conversations from blame to curiosity.

This is why therapists and relationship coaches often advise couples to practise simple, reliable statements that can work like safety valves during heated discussions.

How Therapists Use “Repair Attempts” to Strengthen Bonds

The term “repair attempts” was popularised by the Gottmans in their decades of observing couples. A repair attempt is any statement or gesture that interrupts conflict and reminds both partners of their commitment to one another.

For example, a therapist might encourage one partner to say, “That came out wrong, let me try that again,” instead of defending a harsh remark. This not only softens the exchange but also signals accountability.

The New York Times recently highlighted that repair attempts can take many forms – from humour to small acknowledgements – but the most powerful are those expressed through simple, intentional phrases for couples.

By learning the 8 phrases to help and one bonus phrase we outline below, you will be able to use these tools as lifelines when you need to interrupt negative cycles and refocus on what matters: your bond.

8 Therapist-Approved Phrases to Help Your Relationship Thrive

1. “Let me try that again.” – A Quick Repair Attempt

This phrase allows you to reset the tone of the conversation. Perhaps you spoke too sharply, or your partner misinterpreted your intent. By openly acknowledging that you misspoke, you immediately reduce defensiveness.

• When to use: Right after you realise you may have sounded dismissive or critical.
• Why it works: It shows humility and prioritises the relationship over being “right”.
• Example: “I was frustrated and it came out badly. Let me try that again more calmly.”

2. “What do you feel I’m not getting about your experience?” – A Deeper Understanding Tool

This is one of the most valuable phrases to help your relationship because it focuses on the need to be understood. Arguments often escalate when one partner feels ignored.

• Why it works: It invites your partner to explain without interruption.
• Example: “I can see you’re upset. What do you feel I’m not getting about your perspective?”
• Therapist insight: According to Dr Adam Fisher, this type of language validates your partner’s inner world, reducing the impulse to defend or attack.

3. “The story I’m telling myself is…” – Say What You’re Thinking Without Blame

Instead of saying “You don’t care about me”, which sounds accusatory, you frame your feelings as a personal narrative.

• Example: “The story I’m telling myself is that you were late because you don’t prioritise me. But I want to check if that’s true.”
• Why it works: It creates space for correction rather than confrontation.
• Research points out that this approach reduces escalation by transforming accusations into curiosity.

4. “I want to understand more where you’re coming from.” – A Therapist-Approved Curiosity Phrase

When emotions rise, both people can be desperate to be heard. This phrase flips the script by showing willingness to listen first.

• When to use: If you notice you and your partner are talking over each other.
• Why it works: It demonstrates genuine care for your partner’s feelings.
• Example: “I know I have my viewpoint, but I want to understand more where you’re coming from.”

5. “You start.” – A Simple Way to Strengthen Bonds

According to psychologist James Cordova, quoted in the New York Times, partners often act like “two fire hoses pointed at each other” during disputes. By simply saying “You start,” you break the deadlock.

• Why it works: It shows generosity and signals that you value your partner’s voice.
• Example: “We’re both upset. You start, and I’ll listen.”

6. “That came out harsher than I intended.” – A Repair Attempt for Tense Moments

Tone matters as much as content. This phrase acknowledges the gap between your intent and delivery.

• When to use: If you notice your partner reacting strongly to your tone.
• Why it works: By taking responsibility, you diffuse defensiveness.
• Example: “That sounded sharper than I meant. What I intended to say was that I was tired, not angry.”

7. “I appreciate that you…” – A Gratitude Phrase for Couples

Gratitude softens even the toughest conversations. Expressing appreciation during conflict reminds both of you of what is still working.

• Example: “I appreciate that you’re still here talking this through with me.”
• Why it works: It reminds your partner of your overall care, not just your complaint.
• Research highlights gratitude as a daily habit that helps couples strengthen bonds over time.

8. “Can we take a pause and try again?” – What to Say in an Argument When Emotions Run High

Sometimes, continuing the discussion is counterproductive. A break allows both partners to regulate their emotions.

• When to use: If voices are raised or either of you feels overwhelmed.
• Example: “I don’t want to say things I’ll regret. Can we take a pause and try again in half an hour?”
• Why it works: It prevents emotional flooding while showing commitment to return.

When (and When Not) to Use These Relationship Communication Phrases

While these phrases are powerful, context matters.

• Do: Use them sincerely and calmly.
• Don’t: Say them sarcastically or as a way to dismiss.
• Do: Practise them in low-stress situations so they feel natural.
• Don’t: Expect your partner to respond perfectly every time.

A crucial point is that these statements are tools, not magic spells. Over time, consistent use makes them habits that gradually reshape the way you communicate.

What to Say in an Argument Instead of Hurtful Words

It is easy to fall into unhelpful patterns:

• “You never listen.”
• “You always do this.”
• “I don’t care anymore.”

Therapists advise swapping these phrases for more constructive alternatives:

• Replace “You never listen” with “I feel unheard right now.”
• Replace “You always do this” with “I’ve noticed this happens often, and I’d like to discuss it.”
• Replace “I don’t care” with “I’m tired, but I do still care about us.”

These adjustments prevent your partner from becoming defensive while still expressing your needs.

Practical Tips for Making These Therapist-Approved Phrases Stick

Learning new communication habits takes practice. Here are some effective strategies:

• Write down the 8 phrases to help and place them somewhere visible at home.
• Role-play them during calm conversations so they feel authentic.
• If you forget in the heat of the moment, acknowledge it and try again later.
• Remind yourself that using these words is not about perfection, but about showing consistent effort.

When both partners commit to practising, these phrases for couples can transform daily interactions.

FAQs About Relationship Communication Phrases

Q: What are the best things to say in an argument?

A: Any phrase that de-escalates tension and signals goodwill. Examples include “Let me try that again” and “Can we take a pause and try again?”

Q: Can therapist-approved phrases really save a relationship?

A: While no phrase is a cure-all, research shows that consistent repair attempts significantly increase relationship satisfaction.

Q: How do I get my partner to use them, too?

A: Lead by example. Use the phrases first, and over time, your partner may naturally adopt similar language.

Final Thoughts: Build a Stronger, More Connected Marriage

Strong relationships are not free from arguments; they are built on how couples navigate them. By consistently practising these therapist-approved phrases, you will not only handle conflict more gracefully but also steadily strengthen bonds in daily life.

Each phrase is a reminder that, even when disagreements arise, you care enough to pause, listen, and reconnect. That commitment is the true sign of a thriving relationship.