let’s Examine Some of the Stumbling points in Romantic Relationships and Find out How to Avoid Them
Recently, Buzzfeed published a list of mistakes people make in relationships. The suggestions came from their readers and tackled a wide range of issues. Let’s take a look at what the advice is, and rate how useful and true the statements are.
- “Relationships shouldn’t be 50-50, we need each partner to put in 100%”.
Rating: six hearts.
Hmmm. I think whoever wrote this doesn’t fully understand percentages. You should be putting in effort all of the time, and your partner should be matching your energy. How this manifests will depend on your love language, relationship style, and financial situation.
- “You should discuss your thoughts on marriage and kids early on in the relationship”.
Rating: eight hearts.
Being honest about your desires is a really good idea. You might like your new beau, but if they want different things than you do, it’s better to end the relationship so you won’t end up with hurt feelings. People do change their minds, though, and sometimes it’s nice to just relax and enjoy a relationship, especially if you’re young and all of that seems far away.
- “Romance and attraction aren’t always enough to sustain a marriage. On the days when they don’t, two people need to show up for each other as friends”.
Rating: nine hearts.
Friendship is so important to a romantic relationship. Flings with lots of chemistry and sex are fun, but to build a strong bond you’ll need a person whose company you enjoy. Shared interests are also pretty useful. However, remember that this person is your significant other, and don’t completely let the romantic/sexual side slip. Finding the right balance can be hard.
- “Focus on being individuals”.
Rating: seven hearts.
We’ve all got swept up in a relationship at some point, but if/when that ends, you can be left with no clear sense of identity outside of the couple. Even if things don’t end, depending entirely on another person won’t make you happy. You need to keep a balance between couple’s activities, spending time with friends and pursuing other interests. Remember your responsibilities, too: you can’t leave your partner alone with the kids all the time so you can play golf. As with the above, it’s a balance.
- “Arguing over mundane things”.
Rating: six hearts.
This feels like it was written by a person who is continually exasperated by their partner, but is worried about being labelled a “nag”. Therefore, they’ve stopped raising little disagreements which bother them, and instead only start an argument over things like infidelity. If it works for the writer, then good for them, but for me, this feels like a death by a thousand cuts. It’s also worth measuring a proportional response: you don’t need to have a screaming row about a knife left in the sink – maybe just mention it, and escalate if it happens regularly.
- “Not being able to apologise”.
Rating: ten hearts.
No notes: apologise when you’ve fucked up, and make sure you use effective communication so your partner knows how sorry you are.
- “Not healing from your last relationship before starting a new one”.
Rating: eight hearts.
Sometimes a bit of rebound sex or a fling can be a nice palette cleanser, but if you’ve had a rough breakup, it was a serious relationship or things got unhealthy, take a beat and sort your head and heart out first.
- “Thinking you can change the other person”.
Rating: seven hearts.
It’s funny. Sometimes you’ll watch a friend have a string of short, fun relationships and not try anything serious, and then suddenly they’ll fall in love and it’ll be different. Other times you’ll watch a couple have a tedious on-again, off-again situation and just want them to have a clean breakup because it’s clear that they’re not going to change or commit fully.
Conclusion
Relationships are tricky, and they’re full of mistakes. Healthy relationships are wonderful, but most people just do their best most of the time and slip up every now and then. Taking some time to learn about common issues can help you avoid them, so consider your disagreements, be clear with your feelings and cherish your partner.
Rachel Hall, M.A., completed her education in English at the University of Pennsylvania and received her master’s degree in family therapy from Northern Washington University. She has been actively involved in the treatment of anxiety disorders, depression, OCD, and coping with life changes and traumatic events for both families and individual clients for over a decade. Her areas of expertise include narrative therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and therapy for traumatic cases. In addition, Rachel conducts workshops focusing on the psychology of positive thinking and coping skills for both parents and teens. She has also authored numerous articles on the topics of mental health, stress, family dynamics and parenting.
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