Every April, people band together to attempt to pull off the best prank. Frankly, it’s shocking that it was never a plot point on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, but perhaps this was because they knew that they would never beat the BBC, who successfully convinced a swathe of the British population that spaghetti grew on trees.
Nevertheless, each year people get out the jelly, feathers, clingfilm, whoopee cushions and attempt to befuddle their friends, colleagues and partners, and over at Global Dating Insights, things were no different. With a remarkably straight face, they informed us that happn was going to introduce a 24-hour ban on cheesy pick up lines, monitored by new AI software called “cheese-bot”.
What’s a pick up line? For anyone unaware, cheesy pick up lines are not pick up lines about cheese, they’re just daft expressions that are supposedly endearing and (again, supposedly) will help you secure a date. I’ve never come across one that worked, although I should say that I’m not actually against cheesy pick up lines, although I am firmly opposed to racist pick up lines.
I think that dirty pick up lines and freaky pick up lines should be used with caution: a little sexting is totally fun, but non-stop unreciprocated sexual messaging to a stranger quickly becomes harassment. However, I would like to lay out a few of my favourite chat up lines, since happn hasn’t actually banned them.
Ice pick up lines.
Concept: break the metaphorical ice in a conversation by using one of these weather-themed pick-up lines. Sure, these might be most effective in the UK since we love a good chat about how hot/cold/dry/wet/windy/calm it is, but they might work elsewhere, too.
Examples: “I didn’t think you were a snowman, but you just made my heart melt”. I rate this four slices of cheese out of five.
“The pavement must be unsalted, because I just fell for you”. I rate this three slices of cheese out of five.
Stranger Things pick up lines.
Concept: if the person you’ve matched with is also a fan of Stranger Things, celebrate the release of the new season and start a conversation about Eleven’s latest adventures with a Stranger Things themed pick-up line.
Examples: “I’ll be the eggo to your Eleven”. I rate this four slices of cheese out of five.
“Are you from the upside down? Because you’re demo-gorgeous” I rate this four slices of cheese out of five.
Space pick up lines.
Examples: “Who took the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes?”. I rate this one slice of cheese out of five, and also think perhaps I support the cheese-bot’s ban.
Concept: they’re space themed pickup lines, but don’t use the word “Uranus” because, gross, and don’t mention astrological signs because you’ll be bored to tears.
“When this planet is invaded by aliens, I want to hold your hand”. I rate this five cheese slices out of five.
Pick up line jokes for her.
Concept: although it seems like our previous examples of pick-up lines could work on men or women, apparently there’s a market for pick-up lines exclusively for women.
Examples: “Are you Ariel? Because we were mer-made for each other!” I rate this two cheese slices out of five
“If you were a potato, you’d be a sweet one”. I rate this five cheese slices out of five.
Do we really think that this is a good idea? So, there you have some cheesy dating profile lines which, apparently, won’t be stopped by dating software and you can try on any dating platform. I don’t actually know if you should use them on anyone you’re dating/want to date – with the exception of the final pick-up line, which is absolutely golden because, as we all know, potatoes are the nectar of the gods and anyone would be honoured to be compared to one.
So, applause to Global Dating Insights, you really fooled me for a moment. The cheese-bot might not be real but, frankly, it seems about as daft as alphabet dating or one of the dating sites that seems to believe that it’ll help its users find true love on TikTok. For now, the only thing stopping you from using cheesy pick-up lines is yourself and the quiet knowledge that they definitely won’t help you get a date.