Let’s Stop Pretending Dating Apps Are Built For Women

Why Your Favourite Dating App Is Failing Women: Every Date, Every Match, Still Built for Men

Despite the rise of popular dating platforms like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, the idea that dating apps offer women a safe, empowering environment is largely a myth. These platforms may allow women to make the first move, but beneath the surface lies a system optimised not for safety or genuine connection, but for engagement and retention. It’s time we stop accepting the illusion and start asking tougher questions.

The Feminist Marketing Mirage: A Brand Strategy, Not a Reality

Let’s begin by unpacking the widely held belief that dating apps are designed with women in mind. Platforms like Bumble have marketed themselves as empowering by letting women initiate the chat. But this feature—however symbolic—is only skin-deep. It provides an illusion of control, not actual autonomy.

Allowing women to send the first message does little to change the overall power dynamics embedded in these platforms. Many women still face harassment, emotional labour, and algorithmic exposure to unsafe or inappropriate users. These dating app features encourage participation by appealing to feminism-lite, without delivering meaningful safeguards in return.

What the Data Tells Us About Women’s Real Dating Experiences

While slick advertising may paint a rosy picture, the statistics tell a different story. Studies show that over 88% of women using a dating app are concerned about safety when they agree to a date. Many report being matched—or even rematched—with individuals they had previously blocked, particularly on apps like Tinder and Hinge.

The experience of swiping through endless profiles, dodging explicit messages, and doing background checks on matches has left women feeling emotionally drained. The constant vigilance creates a form of fatigue, where being a single person online feels more like an unpaid admin than a path to love.

In contrast, many men on dating platforms face far fewer safety threats, and often express frustration over not receiving enough matches. This imbalance highlights how uneven the dating experience is.

How AI and Algorithms Are Reinforcing Biases, Not Breaking Them

With the rapid rise of AI and machine learning in dating app features, there was hope that technology would create safer, smarter platforms. Instead, it’s largely been used to streamline engagement, not improve safety.

For instance:

• AI often fails to detect subtle or coded harassment
• Algorithmic matches prioritise profiles that fit biased aesthetic norms
• Chat suggestions and AI-written prompts reduce authenticity

The reliance on AI also strips nuance from moderation. Automated responses to serious complaints can make users feel dismissed, worsening the trust gap. If a woman flags abuse and receives a generic email citing terms and conditions, what message does that send?

It’s time we ask: Are we using technology to improve the user experience, or just to reduce overhead costs?

The Double Standards Women Still Face on Dating Platforms

Let’s talk about profession and perceived value. High-achieving women—doctors, engineers, CEOS—report a dramatic drop in matches when their accomplishments are visible in their profiles. One might expect such traits to be attractive, but the behaviour of many men suggests otherwise.

Women have reported having to tone down their success, switch their listed profession, or remove photos that show expensive items or career achievements, simply to appear more “approachable.” This is part of a broader trend where women feel they must feel less, flirt more, and downplay their lifestyle to gain attention.

It’s not just sad—it’s a systemic issue baked into how dating app platforms rank and surface profiles.

The Emotional and Cognitive Fatigue of Constant Swiping

The design of online dating platforms is addictive by intent. Swiping through many matches becomes a game-like experience, producing quick dopamine hits. But for women, each swipe can come with anxiety: Will this person be respectful? Is their profile real? Will they become a stalker?

Unlike dating sites of the past that focused on compatibility, today’s apps are more about volume than value. This has led to growing fatigue, especially among professional women who find themselves overwhelmed by irrelevant or low-quality interactions.

Add to this the mental drain of ghosting, inappropriate DMs, or misleading bios, and it’s easy to see why so many women are opting out of the dating app ecosystem altogether.

Which Platforms Are Doing It Better (And Why They’re Winning Trust)

Amidst the chaos, some platforms stand out. Apps like Lex, Feeld, and even Hinge (to some extent) are experimenting with inclusive, consent-oriented design.

• Lex is a queer-centric space where users post ads like old-school personals—no photos, just text. This discourages objectification and prioritises thoughtful engagement.
• Feeld is designed for open-minded connections, offering features like consent check-ins and open identity fields.
• Hinge uses a “We Met” feature to gather post-date feedback, though it’s unclear how this data influences algorithmic changes.

These apps understand that women—and especially queer, trans, and non-binary users—value authenticity, safety, and communication over swipe culture.

What Real Empowerment and Safety Would Look Like

If we truly want dating apps to support women, we need more than clever features like “ladies first” messaging.

Here’s what genuine change could look like:

• Verification tools (like timestamped photos or selfie ID)
• Full transparency on moderation processes and disciplinary outcomes
• Real human oversight for safety complaints, not canned responses
• Inclusion of psychologists, gender experts, and safety professionals in design
• New metrics that measure quality interactions over the number of people swiped on

Instead of chasing engagement for ad revenue, platforms should prioritise fulfilling, real-life connections where single people can safely meet someone.

Final Thoughts: Dismantling the Illusion, Rebuilding Dating for Women

So, let’s stop pretending. Let’s stop pretending that just because a woman can send the first message, she has any real power on these platforms. Let’s stop pretending that AI and features like blocking offer security when they don’t work as promised. Let’s stop pretending that dating professionals and app CEOs aren’t aware of the gendered flaws in their systems.

Dating apps today are not built for women—they’re built to scale. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. By centring the needs of women, especially around safety, interaction, and emotional wellbeing, the industry can go a long way toward restoring trust.

Until then, the most radical thing a woman can do in the world of online dating may be this: delete the app.

Rachel Hall

Rachel Hall, M.A., completed her education in English at the University of Pennsylvania and received her master’s degree in family therapy from Northern Washington University. She has been actively involved in the treatment of anxiety disorders, depression, OCD, and coping with life changes and traumatic events for both families and individual clients for over a decade. Her areas of expertise include narrative therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and therapy for traumatic cases. In addition, Rachel conducts workshops focusing on the psychology of positive thinking and coping skills for both parents and teens. She has also authored numerous articles on the topics of mental health, stress, family dynamics and parenting.