Love Doctor's Blog

Questions to ask yourself if you keep picking the wrong partners

 

Sometimes you have to admit that things just aren’t working out. For whatever reason, that guy you thought would go the distance has sputtered out, or left you behind. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons and more often than not someone ends up getting hurt. Getting angry isn’t the solution, revenge won’t win him back, and you can’t be sad about it forever. You have to get back up and go out there, because everyone deserves a chance at happiness, for a Mr. Right.

 

So then what happened that made you steer right into Mr. Wrong? Before you try to get back in the saddle, try and learn why you fell off. Ask yourself: How did you pick the wrong guy in the first place?

  •   What are you attracted to?

Now that you have some dating downtime, get to know yourself a little better. Think back to where it started. What did you see in him? What were the good parts that you noticed that made you pick him out of everyone else? Those traits aren’t unique to just him. Leave him behind, but understand why you went for him in the first place. We can’t choose who we’re attracted to, but knowing what you like will help you pick it out from the crowd quickly.

  • Did you notice any red flags?

There must have been some warning signs early on that things weren’t going to go well. Now that you can reflect, figure out what they were, those little things that ballooned into something bigger that eventually crushed the whole relationship flat. How early were these signs showing up? Next time you’ll have to be quick to notice them. Chances are, if you see the same warning signs early one you’ll have to be the first one to jump ship before things get serious.

  • What was important to you?

Everyone wants some companionship, it’s one of the fundamental basic human needs. But if that was all you wanted you could just talk to any friend, right? There was something you were looking for in a relationship. You’re probably still going to try and look for it again with a new man. But what is it? Understand what you want to get and make it clear to your future partner that that’s your goal. If your goals don’t align at first, maybe consider the next question before changing your relationship status.

  • Does someone need to change?

We all change as we grow and we’re always growing. Change is inevitable, even just in small opinions. But big changes don’t happen overnight. Are the qualities you’re looking for so set in stone that it would require a lifetime of changes in a man to make them a reality? Maybe that’s something that needs to change. Look inside and see just how stiff and stubborn you were with your last partner and ask if it was warranted – more importantly, if he was the same way, what would you do? It’s not always up to one person to change.

  • How do your relationships tend to start or end?

Was the last breakup a bad one? Have you had so many that you can qualify them on a scale of bad to good? Or has there never been a “bad” breakup because as far as you know your relationships never “ended” so much as they “just stopped”? And where are you meeting these guys? What’s the venue, the circumstance that makes you think this is the place and time to start taking this person seriously as a partner? You may need to change the way you get to know people, and how you start to forget them.

  • How are you?

This one is important, even if it’s kind of short. How you feel about yourself is critically important to how your relationships with others function. Poor self confidence can come with a host of unintentionally bad decision making skills that will spill over onto your partner. They might like you, but if you don’t like you then you won’t be giving them your best self. Learning to love yourself and be more open and honest is part of maturity, and face it, puberty is over. Leave the teen drama soul-searching for the teens.

  • Does it have to be That Way?

We all have a perfect idea of what it’s like to be in love. But that’s just what it is: an idea. Real people are messy. They have a whole life worth of pasts that influence them – just like you. Work down from your perfect vision of an ideal relationship and figure out what other kinds of love might be worth looking for. Maybe the thing you think you want isn’t all that. You need to work on your vision of the future to make it a reality, and that may require making it less than perfect. 

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