Dating is either the best or the worst. Yeah, maybe you’re talking to a few people and exploring new places, having great sex and scintillating conversations, or… well. There’s monotony, boredom and repetition. If you’re in the former phase, good for you! Enjoy it and make sure you tell your friends about the more ridiculous stuff you’re getting up to. If you’re in the latter, perhaps you should consider “quiet quitting” your dating life.
Your Life Is More Than Your Work and Romantic Relationships
Our lives are a single narrative with endless threads. Love, romance and affection can be as important and prominent as we want them to be. The more time I spend with older people, the more interesting I find their perspective: they’re not looking for someone to fuck or settle down with, and they’re much more interested in enjoying their friends, developing hobbies or trying to make the world a better place. Some of these older folks have partners, others don’t. But the urgency and obsession I see some of my friends throw into their dating lives make me a little sad because this shouldn’t be all they have going on.
What Is Quiet Quitting?
A few weeks ago, the Internet was abuzz with this new idea called “quiet quitting”. For those who spend less time on Twitter than me, allow me to explain. Millennials, typically, have a complicated work-life balance and have been told that going the extra mile will help them to secure a good job and positive relationship with their boss. This means they’re the first to arrive in the morning, the last one out at night, happy to respond to emails over weekends and when they’re on holiday and just generally refuse to establish boundaries.
This will inevitably cause a considerable number of them to burn out. Leslie Knope is a sitcom character, not a way of life. Quiet quitting is just refusing to do more than should be expected of you. If your boss wants you to take on additional responsibility, they should offer you more money and a better job title. If the company requires the work of two people, they should hire two people and not allow a single worker to run themselves into the ground.
How Does This Apply To Dating?
The same principle carries across. It’s great to be enthusiastic about your job or your love life, but if it feels like a chore or your life is consumed by one of those things, you need to establish some boundaries. Obviously, these will look different in the workplace and on dating apps. But imagine this: you want to find a connection and meet someone new. Great!
You go on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge and swipe right on a few people you find attractive. Whilst you’re waiting for them to message or respond, you look through some more profiles. You get more matches. Your inbox is bursting with people responding to your messages and you feel overwhelmed, so you delete the app and feel rubbish.
Contain Your Dating App Usage
Now let’s run the simulation again, but with clear boundaries. It’s been a normal day at work, you get home and, I don’t know, pet the cat, have a cup of tea, chat with your roommate. Then you sit down for 15-30 minutes and look at your dating app. You have some music playing in the background and no more than three conversations on the go.
If you’re waiting for someone to respond, listen to the music and look out the window, don’t keep swiping. If one of your matches isn’t fun, unmatch them and find someone else. At the end of the allotted time, say goodnight to the people you were talking to. If you had a good connection, they’ll be there tomorrow, and maybe you can plan a date. Then close the app and do something else. If necessary, buy a vibrator.
Conclusion
I think the term “quiet quitting” is a misnomer. We aren’t quitting our jobs, we’re establishing boundaries and refusing to remain at companies that exploit us. It’s a really, really good idea. If you want to get promoted, discuss that with your boss, don’t just do everything and hope for a reward. Dating might not have a clear enemy (capitalism) but the concept of refusing to allow yourself to be suckered into endless and thankless activities with a vague and uncertain end goal is applicable to both your dating life and work. Prioritise yourself.
Rachel Hall, M.A., completed her education in English at the University of Pennsylvania and received her master’s degree in family therapy from Northern Washington University. She has been actively involved in the treatment of anxiety disorders, depression, OCD, and coping with life changes and traumatic events for both families and individual clients for over a decade. Her areas of expertise include narrative therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and therapy for traumatic cases. In addition, Rachel conducts workshops focusing on the psychology of positive thinking and coping skills for both parents and teens. She has also authored numerous articles on the topics of mental health, stress, family dynamics and parenting.
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