When I replay the events that preceded my most recent break up, one thing stands out the most. We talked less and less as time went by…
Just like the ostriches in silly cartoons we preferred to avoid touchy subjects, burying our heads in the sand instead (news alert – ostriches don’t actually do that).
I am writing this short post today, after having realized that even experienced people are not immune to this, to try to say that ideally you want to talk to your loved one about everything… I can make lists and lists with detailed subjects, but who needs those when it is ultimately about you and your partner, and what connects you together, so I will only note some of the most important ones:
What are you both looking for in the relationship?
- In our day and age of “casual dating” sometimes one person gets much more involved than the other ever even intended to. Realising this early can save you a lot of heartache.
Does your partner want to start a family, to have children
- Once again, more and more people nowadays want to go the child-free route, and ultimately it is their own choice to do so, but it is cruel to lead on somebody whose goal in this differs from yours.
Discuss your values, priorities, and goals
- Differences or misunderstandings here account for the majority of lovers’ quarrels (when you take away jealousy and other things that should not be present by default).
What is your definition of cheating/betrayal/dishonesty?
- It might blow your mind that some peoples ideas on this may be very far from your own. Talking about such matters can put you on the same page.
- How does he/she think disagreements or fights should be resolved and what to do when your lover is in a bad mood? Some people prefer to be left alone for a day to think things through, and others in the same situation will want to get back to holding each other in their arms as fast as possible. You will never know until you learn this through experience or by talking about it.
From then on you can continue with talking about everything else – life, routines, responsibilities, hopes and expectations…
Rachel Hall, M.A., completed her education in English at the University of Pennsylvania and received her master’s degree in family therapy from Northern Washington University. She has been actively involved in the treatment of anxiety disorders, depression, OCD, and coping with life changes and traumatic events for both families and individual clients for over a decade. Her areas of expertise include narrative therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and therapy for traumatic cases. In addition, Rachel conducts workshops focusing on the psychology of positive thinking and coping skills for both parents and teens. She has also authored numerous articles on the topics of mental health, stress, family dynamics and parenting.
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